APA survey results

APA - Survey Results

Some interesting things from the “Our Relationship These Days” survey on the game website: aprivateaffairgame.com (results to October 23rd/09)

1. How happy are you in general, and overall with your current relationship?

73% said “nearly always” or “often happy.”

2. How satisfied are you with your current sex life?

How often we have sex?
61% said “not overly excited” or “pretty bad.” Hmm… so couples say they’re fairly happy in their relationship, but not with their sex life?

How adventurous is this sex?
61% said “not overly excited” or “pretty bad.”

How satisfying is this for me?
51% said “not overly excited” or “pretty bad.”
Now hold on. These are the same couples who are “often” or “nearly always happy” with their overall relationship. Interesting…

How satified do you believe your PARTNER is with your sex life these days?
57% said they believed that their partner was “not overly excited” or felt “pretty bad” about their lovemaking. Would this be a kind of “low sexual self-esteem?”

3. How often do we have sex?
2%  daily.
7% 4-6 times per week.
24% 2-3 times per week
28% once  per month.
18% 2 times per month.
4% once per month

6% one every few months

4% a few times a year

4% almost never

3% never

And only 7% reported that they are “happy with our frequency.”

Is there an ideal or “normal” amount of lovemaking? Perhaps it’s like driving. Surveys suggest that we all think we’re “better than the average driver!” Do you have an imagined freqency for having sex which you think is normal? Reasonable? Good? …pretty bad?

Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, perhaps “great sex” is as well. Here are some interesting recent individual responses:

  • We have sex 3-4 times a month.  I wish we had more sex.  (Oct. 15th)
  • We have sex 3-4 times per week.  I wish we had more sex.  (Oct 15th)
  • We have  every 4-6 weeks.  “I’m happy with our frequency” (Oct. 13th)

80% said they wanted more sex.

Perhaps importantly though, 0% said that they wanted LESS sex.

4. Things that most cause us to be less sexual together, are…

67% said that they were simply “too fatigued and tired to initiate and enjoy sex together.”
52% reported that “our sex drives are very different!”
36% reported that they felt “fragmented, and distracted with worry and anxiety.”
24% said their sex life suffered because “we’re not close in our overall relationship.”

5. Check off as many as may apply to your lives these days.

68% said that they wished that their partner would initiate sex more often! Now isn’t that interesting? The next time you look at your partner, there’s a 68% chance that they’re waiting for you to initiate sex! And you were going to go check your email!

55% wish that their partner was a bit more adventuresome sexually. The next time you chat, perhaps ask them what they’re wishing for! Could be interesting!

47% said that they wished their partner would talk to them more during sex. Perhaps next time, in the middle of lovemaking… ask them what they’d like you to say! …or perhaps better, what they’d love to hear!

38% wished their partner would “suggest fantasies for us to act out.” (Some more talking!)

And a good 53% wished that their partner “would suggest new things we haven’t yet tried.” I think there’s a theme here! We need to talk to each other more than we are. We need to ask some pointed questions, and open up about what’s going on inside us!

Under the open-ended question, “Anything else you would like your partner to do more, or to initiate into your sexual relationship?” …a few comments…

  • “I really wish he’d be romantic!” “…More foreplay!” and “…I wish he’s be more affectionate privately AND publicly … ie … hold my hand, put his arm around me!”
  • I wish there was more romance less crass talk. why does harsh sexual talk seem more appealing to men?
  • I have made the only suggestions to vary any activities beyond the basic sex act and have been made to feel that somehow I am morally inferior for wanting to enjoy sex more.

6. How well do we understand each other?

52% reported that their partner seldom, or only sometimes understands them well.
45% indicated that they understood their partner seldom, or only sometimes.

In 1967, Paul Tournier wrote an enticing little book on love, simply entitled, “To Understand Each Other.” So far, this survey suggests that we’re generally happy with our relationship, 90% of us said we were UNhappy with the frequency of our sex lives.

72% said they wanted MORE sex, and 50-60% of us said we were struggling to understand, and to be understood by our partner. Remember though, 73% of us said we were “generally happy” with our “overall relationship.”

7. What best describes your relationship?
Of the five options offered, the highest score, 33% said “…Things are pretty static; we’re in a rut!”

So… 30% of the couples you see this week are perhaps… feeling that their relationship is pretty static? In a rut?
But, 19% reported that “some things seem to be improving and getting better, and 22% said “…I am quite excited about ways things are improving!”

Alas, we seem to be a fairly optimistic and hopeful bunch. Frustrated, perhaps, but keeping this mostly to ourselves, wanting more, but saying less, but still quite hopeful (41% of us at least) that better things are around the corner!

8. I would like to do more of this in our relationship. (Check off as many as you wish).

Now this is where folks really let loose. As you read these numbers, think about your partner, and imagine what may be going on in their mind! Perhaps THEIR wish list!

25% said that they wished that their partner was kinder to them.

41% said that they wished their partner would ask me more penetrating questions.

52% said that they wished they were less busy; and more rested.

56% wished that their partner I wish my partner was more physically affectionate.

63% wished that I wished that “we had more fun together as a couple”

63% wished that “we would set aside regular times at home, to talk together about life, and our relationship.”

78% said that “I wished we had more sex!”

Under the “any other suggestions or comments” …here are a few that folks wrote.

Hiking in the mountains, camping, more time at the beach…

There are things we like to do together, that we haven’t had time to do over the last several years. Doing music together, building things together; we share a lot of interests, but have no time to DO them; family and work and volunteering take all our time.

I would like to find some new ways to spend time together so that we can learn more about each other.

Resume our camping alone (without kids) again 🙂

8. For the question, “What was it that your PARTNER initiated into your sex life, that you really like…” …you really told us!

…oral stimulation…

…When one of us has trouble climaxing or isn’t quite yet in the mood, we create a scene and imagine ourselves there together. I just love it when he whispers into my ear details of us together on the beach or wherever he else he puts us.  – Anonymous,  Texas

We made a video together. You get to see how you look and how you connect or are not connecting when you watch it. That was the moment that I wanted to change the way I looked. Not physically but emotionally I wasn’t there and I am working on that.

Sharing fantasies that we haven’t shared before.

Variety and pleasing me as a priority.

Her performing oral sex on me while using a vibrator on herself.  – A.C., Alabama

Freedom, tenderness and amusement, entertained!  –  L.B.,  Manitoba

Freedom around masturbation.  She’ll email me to tell me she’s just played with herself, with details, and she’ll let me watch her masturbate herself to some pretty wild orgasms. Very very very hot. -Anonymous, Ontario.

My partner fit me head-to-toe like a glove and every touch felt the way I had always wanted it to, but never really found. My partner was also energetic and exploratory without it ever feeling fake or ‘kinky’.

“Appointments” for the sexual encounters – it meant there was guaranteed time, which was mutually acceptable… something we could commit to and prepare for and look forward to – even if we were tired or had a crummy day.


By the way…

9% of respondents were 27 years old or younger.

55% of respondents were between the ages of 28-47.

35% were 48 years and older.

54% were male.

46% were female.

There you have it! Do these stats and comments seem to jive with the way you think things are?

2 Responses to “APA survey results”

  1. 'jane' says:

    The ‘partner initiation’ responses were … well … electric! Are there more being posted …?

  2. Paul says:

    Very provocative and compelling information!!!

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