Remember some of the earnest out-of-control sexual exploration and play you enjoyed at the beginning of your relationship?
In fact, before you read any further, take a moment to recall these memories; those late-night hours of happy fondling and heart-pounding excitement.
Desire; eager bodies, drunk with happy arousal.
Now, did you recall any pictures you’d like to share with your children over supper tonight?
And… is your relationship the same today? Or perhaps light-years away from that early dizzying and frenzied wrestling?
“There is no greater nor keener pleasure than that of bodily love… and none which is more irrational.” – Plato; The Republic, 427 – 347 B.C.
At one time we couldn’t keep our hands off each other, and opportunistically took advantage of any brief moment of privacy. A closet here, a darkened doorway there, perhaps the basement to ourselves for a few minutes. Now we are able to glide by each other, deftly avoiding touching, even if we have the house to ourselves all afternoon. Same two people, but somehow passion has left.
Our interest in and desire for sex seems to be unflagging. It seems reasonable to assume we wouldn’t mind a life a bit more like this once again.
In our own APA Sex Polls on this site, 75% say they’d ideally like to have sex at least 2-3 times a week. Yet 66% report they are having sex once a week or less, and 78% complained that they were having less sex than they wanted.
So, why don’t you tell your husband or wife that you’re in that 75%, and that you want to have more sex for a few weeks? Make it a serious priority and see how you like it. You can always back off if it seems uninteresting and unnecessary.
A FEW SIMPLE GUIDELINES:
1. Things in your relationship don’t have to be perfect.
The notion that “a clearly happy, settled and peaceful relationship” must precede having sex is neither true or helpful. These conditions might be ideal for sexual celebration, but they are far from necessary. Our early sexual encounters were just that; an earnest and hungry consummation, an exciting indulgence that often preceded much or any talking or problem-solving, etc. It felt great and made our budding marriage feel pretty happy as well. We just “did it!”
So, for a few weeks, don’t overthink this. Just plan to meet somewhere for sex. Bed will do, if you’re stuck for location.
2. Things in your life don’t have to be done first.
We won’t one day look back and muse, “I’m so glad I spent more time on my lists and getting things done, and less time having sex! So glad I had my priorities right.” And after experimenting with this exercise, we’ll seldom reflect, “Gee, we really didn’t have time for sex; I should have been working on…” From our “Any Time Spent” post, the number one suggestion was that “any time spent having sex, was never wasted time!” Next weekend, put “have sex” at the top of your to do list. And not necessarily “great sex;” just “sex.”
3. There’s hardly a better way to easily “live in the present!” It’s difficult to tend to lists, to remember our immediate fears and anxieties, or to be overly distracted, when we are enjoying the simple “pleasures of bodily love,” as Plato (around 400 B.C.) puts it so nicely. There’s hardly a sweeter boost to our lives than to make this a matter-of-fact priority.
The best time to do things is now.
The most important one is the one you are with.
The most important thing is to do good for the one who is standing at your side.
WHERE TO BEGIN?
Recall for each other one particular memory of an early, crazily over-the-top sexual encounter which the two of you enjoyed.
Remind each other that “this WAS us!”
We wouldn’t next say, “whatever we do, let’s never do that again!?”
If one of you suggested, “Let’s try to duplicate something along those lines this week,” I’m sure the other wouldn’t protest too loudly. They might laugh at the thought, but they likely wouldn’t nix these plans. Not if you were serious!
And then just go for it.
Better still, be the one to make it happen.
We suggested elsewhere, in the spirit of Rabbi Shumley’s “Kosher Adultery,” that the excitement of some of these early over-the-top and indiscreet efforts to have sex are exactly what we may be missing. It’s also at the heart of the APA game.
This week, flirt with the idea of having a “Private Affair” with each other!
Life for these few weeks will be much the same, except you’d be having more sex. “What’s new?” a colleague might ask at work or perhaps after church some morning. “Awe, not much, except my wife and I (my husband and I) are having a heck of alot more sex these days. …and you?”
Research suggests that this simple plan (like taking vitamin D, or exercising, or getting more sleep) is good for us in innumerable ways, including the strengthening of “a clearly happy, settled and peaceful relationship.”
Have sex. It’s good for your relationship. Having sex leads to having sex, and sometimes great sex. It’s a bit infectious that way, sometimes creating a rather insatiable appetite.
1. Things in our relationship don’t have to be perfect.
2. Other things don’t have to be done first.
3. There’s hardly a better way to live in the present
What has worked for you for keeping your sexual passion alive?