What do you want?

How’s your marriage?

Predictably… boring? Stable? Steady? Just… you know, “same old?”

How’s your sex life?

Predictably… boring? Stable? Steady? Just… you know, “same old?”

What IS the proper goal for a “good marriage” or for a “great sex life?”

While some marriage experts suggest that open and earnest communication nourishes trust, emotional connection and sexual success, others persuasively suggest that barriers, uncertainty and mystery (and sometimes quite an intentional separateness) creates the novelty and intrigue which we need for any real fire, emotional happiness and great sex.

No wonder sex therapists often suggest a course of celibacy as an appetizer to some sizzle. I suspect we need a bit of both; clear and honest communication, and less anxiety (and argument!) about our perceived and real separateness; our differences. (“Control” issues are nearly always related to this fear; with our resulting need to have the other live and behave in ways that make us feel less uncomfortable).

If your marriage and sex-life are ho-hum these days, what remedy are you considering?

Here’s an interesting thought. In “Can Love Last? The Fate of Romance Over Time,” psychoanalyst Stephen A. Mitchell suggests that the idea that any fears you had (or have) about your spouse or your sex life becoming predictable and boring — that these worries are an “elaborate fantasy;” an indication and reflection of a subconscious need to view your spouse as safe and knowable, so that you don’t live with the greater fear that they might be enticing to someone else, or find someone else more exciting that you!

This is hopeful.

Perhaps we need to begin to play around a bit more. Perhaps we can pretend. Perhaps we need to relax with the “how well do we really know and understand each other,” and instead flirt with the idea that our relationship is robust enough, and that our unpredictability and differences (about a few or many things) may be just what the doctor ordered. A dash of letting go, a pinch of trust, a bit of experimenting, with kindness thrown about generously.  And more playfulness!

Which reminds me; our game is suggestively called, “A Private Affair.” My suspicion is that for far too many terribly predictable marriages there is absolutely nothing of intrigue or surprise or affair-ish about the arrangement. No wonder we yawn and slump into our chairs and beds, with little hope of anything lively or exciting. “Great sex?  Sex? …a memory, or at best a fleeting thought…

Though du jour. As I’ve argued in our “Vive la difference!” post, “eroticism is more often nourished by the tension and excitement of what is different and separate, what is surprising and new. Sometimes by what is shocking. Not simply by making sure we’ve ironed out our little disagreements, smoothed over our differences, and discovered we both like canoeing.”

To our sex polls question “would you rather seduce, or be seduced,” a full 83% asked, “please go after me! I’m willing, interested and… waiting. Please try me! Tonight! Now!

83% (of 445 responses) said they wanted more sex than they were having.

On balance, would you prefer to seduce, or be seduced?

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Our “sex polls” survey asks how much sex you’re having, but then how much you wish you were having! Generally, our respondents say they’d like (on average) to double or triple their frequency. Those having sex twice a month, would like to have it at least once once or twice a week. Those having sex once a month say they’d like to be at at least once a week; and yes, those who report having sex 2-3 times a week, would prefer daily! My goodness! We are a keen lot! But, while the spirit seems very willing, the flesh seems a bit weary, distracted… or, shy?

What awkwardness needs to be conquered? What differences or tensions need to be first addressed? What boredom needs to be slain?

While you are waiting to work these things out, I heartily suggest you ask your beloved how they would answer these two queries from our sex polls (also below).  If they say the’d like more sex, consider making yourself available. No fuss. Just get on with it!  In our “Sex with Benefits” post we are reminded that sex seems to be extrememly good for what ails us; emotionally, spiritually, physically.

And while you’re simply having a bit more more sex, you can wonder about the shyness, the things we need to iron out; perhaps how this really does make a Tuesday night less boring.  The fact of the matter, these things do seem to get worked out for couples who are taking their sexual opportunities seriously, and practicing diligently.

Carpe diem. Nike.

“Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not of words. Trust movement.” – Alfred Adler – (1870-1937)

There you have it. You could talk about so many “same old” and predicatable things this evening. Try these queires instead, and… see where this leads!

By the way, there are 499 more questions like this in the game.  Cheers!

We have sex...

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I WISH we were having sex...

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